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20 Winter 2016 The Mississippi Lawyer Perspectives from MS Lawyers he world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. Ernest Hemingway A Farewell to Arms 1929 T Seven testimonials from Mississippi Bar members. In recovery we share our experience strength and hope. When asked to tell our story the recommended protocol is to tell what it was like what happened and what it is like now. When I tell my story what it was like and what hap- pened usually consume most of my allot- ted hour leaving just minutes to tell what it is like now the most important part. In the few words that I am allowed here I have been asked to write about what happened and what it is like now. However without some sense of what it was like there is just no way to appreciate what followed. So this is what it was like just before I got sober over 18 years ago. In a shockingly short period of time as I approached the age of 40 I went from being a successful respected lawyer mar- ried with a young son to a degenerate gambler in the deadly grip of active alco- holism. Only the adrenalin rush of having more than I could afford at risk on a single turn of the cards gave me any sense of being alive. Like a drug it took placing increasingly larger sums of money at risk to produce the same feeling. Winning or losing meant nothing. It was all about being at risk. The rest of my waking time was about turning it off which took most of a fifth of vodka each day. Darkness gloom and self-loathing filled my days and nights. My connections to family friends and professional colleagues were severed. My marriage crumbled. My family law firm wisely terminated my position after I had refused help. Actually I did agree to go to treatment but after arriving I refused to check in under my real name choosing John Doe instead. I did not understand why they could not treat me as John Doe. Whats the difference I asked. Of course they asked me to leave. The program I would later learn requires rigorous honesty. It never gets better only worse. Out on my own my condition worsened. I gambled and drank my way through the funds used to buy out my interest in the firm. Good people some who were law- yers in recovery offered help. Like a bird dog caught in a fence I bit every hand that reached out to free me. Even though I knew I needed help another part of me the one I no longer listen to told me if I surrendered then I would instantly sink into insanity from which I would never return. Within a year in a hopeless state I engaged in conduct that would lead to the loss of my license to practice law and my freedom. Believing death was the only logical answer I applied for life insurance then planned my death in such a way that no one could conclude that it was the result of an intentional act. I did not believe I could live through it. In a candid moment with my father I uttered those words. His response saved my life I think. He said Youve got to live through it. Your wife your child your brothers and sisters have to live through it. I have to live through it. What right do you have not to live through it That made sense to me. What seemed to be the only logical fair outcome now seemed unjust. What right did I have to escape consequences leaving loved ones to bear them I finally accepted the help offered by the Mississippi Bars Lawyers and Judges Assistance Program LJAP. At the time I perceived that no one I ever knew or loved would ever want me in their life again. LJAP which I had avoided like the plague for over three years was now the only group in the world that wanted anything to do with me. The truth is that I never surrendered I Tell Our Story