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The Mississippi Lawyer Winter 2016 21 Perspectives from MS Lawyers was overrun. In my mind trying to follow this program carried only the risk that it would not work leading me back to my original solution. The options seemed clear and few. I did not expect happiness or even think that I deserved any. On October 19 1997 having agreed to surrender my marriage custody of my son my freedom and my license to practice law I entered treatment. The program I was asked to follow consists of twelve specific steps which can be grouped under three major headings Trust God Clean House Help Others. In the religion I was raised in they told me what to do. In this program they told me what they did. And this has made all the difference. Some of us are just wired differently. I never thought I would ever practice law again or would even try. However my lifeline continued to be the lawyer assistance programs in Mississippi and Louisiana where I had moved once I was released. In Baton Rouge where I lived and worked they had lawyer recovery groups. My LJAP agreement required that I attend these groups as well as the regular recovery meetings. These lawyers all recovering alcohol- ics or addicts took me in and loved me until I could love myself again. There was nothing in or about my life that these men and women did not know and care deeply about. Not since childhood had I experi- enced such unconditional love. My sponsor who passed two years ago was an elderly silver-haired retired judge. He was gentle and wise. I asked him one day how I who had not stopped drinking short of complete failure could ever help someone stop drinking before they lost everything. He said My son no one is ever so worthless that he cannot at least serve as a bad example. We laughed. I miss him so. Toward the end of my five-year agree- ment with LJAP our former director Betty Daugherty began calling on me to help with impaired lawyers in Mississippi. In that process a desire was born in me to become a lawyer again if for no other reason than to make amends to my pro- fession. As improbable as it seemed the Bar and the Court believed in me and my license was reinstated. I vowed never to disappoint those who gave me a second chance. I also vowed to never say no to LJAP. After returning to my hometown to open a solo practice with the help of another recovering attorney I knew from Louisiana I started a lawyer recovery group just like our group in Baton Rouge. I supported Chip in starting a second recovery group after Katrina dealing with impairment issues broader than substance and alcohol. These two groups meet in my office each week. We have had as many as twenty-three lawyers at one time in the first group and over ten in the Katrina group. Many more have come received what they needed and returned to a successful content life. Sadly some have not made it and some have died. Because of this recovery program my mind body and spirit were restored. All of my important relations were healed. My sons mother married a good person who helped raise my son an exemplary young man who possesses the empathy and intellect of his grandfather. I mar- ried a loving supportive lady and we now have grandchildren to love. Because of this recovery program I am today a better spouse father son brother friend and a much better lawyer. I am blessed and grateful beyond measure. A proverb I read somewhere early in recovery described it perfectly for me If a fish swims up a mountain Stream it will be thrown against the rocks And arrive at the end of its journey battered bruised and exhausted If a fish swims down a mountain Stream it will glide easily around the rocks And arrive at the end of its journey rested and content The Stream does not care which way the fish swims. It took me forty years to hear that les- son. Life simply doesnt care which way I choose to live it. I choose sobriety. Not Supposed to Happen to Me I dont know whats wrong but I know that if I can just get things back to the way they were two years ago this will all be okay. Thats one of the first things I told LJAP Director Chip Glaze when we met. I was no different than many other attorneys Chip meets on a daily basis overwhelmed addicted unemploy- able in denial and grasping for some semblance of control. But I certainly felt different because this was not supposed to happen to me. Me a young female attorney bright and talented privileged to work with a great firm for wonderful people. In my mind I was supposed to be having children making partner buying nice things achieving and succeeding . . . I was not supposed to be desperate. Unable to get out of bed. Always sick. Never where I was supposed to be. A professional who relied upon research and writing skills who found herself no longer able to focus or function or create. Full of drama. Isolated. More often in trouble than not. A liar and manipulator. A drug addict. Continued on next page