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The Mississippi Lawyer Winter 2016 25 exhausted from just making the phone call. She resolved to go with me the next day and I dont think I could have made it to the LJAP office without her. There we met with the director and she almost immediately recognized what bad shape I was in. I had gone from relatively under control to a virtual breakdown in 24 hours. She told me that I needed to enlist in the LJAP program as soon as possible in order to get the help I needed. At that point I felt that using LJAP would be the end of my legal career. Surely no one would want a lawyer who needed such help. The decision to join up was agonizing. What will people think I will lose my job. I have let everyone around me down. My family and friends will be ashamed of me. I felt like an utter fail- ure. Any decision I made was bound to be wrong. Then at my lowest something happened. I realized I could no longer make rational decisions for myself. Even though I still feared the worst I recog- nized that I needed to let professionals and loved ones start making decisions for me. It was decided that I needed to go as soon as possible to Psycamore an outpa- tient treatment facility. At my initial evaluation at Psycamore everything came crashing down again. What a failure I was. I couldnt even con- trol my own emotions. I began sobbing as I talked to the clinical director and again while taking a battery of tests. No I told her I dont want to commit suicide but I really dont want to keep on living. She was so concerned with me that she called my wife and they discussed immediately putting me in a hospital. When she told me that she thought I should go into the hospital I found enough strength to gather my wits and say no. It was the last time I said no to anything for a long time. I was admitted to Psycamore but then I had to face the ultimate shame telling my employer. I worked for a mid-sized insurance defense firm. It was an excellent place to work without a lot of unnecessary pressure and unusually supportive part- ners. I was fortunate to have a job there. However I knew they would no longer want me once they learned I had to get mental health treatment. I had to find some way to tell them though. I decided it would be easiest on neutral ground. I attended church with one of the partners and the next Sunday I told him every- thing. He was very understanding. From there I met with the Managing Partner who reassured me and told me that my job was not in jeopardy and to do what I needed to take care of myself. Later I was to learn that I wasnt the first person in my firm to use the LJAP program. I entered the Psycamore day program which still allowed me to come in to work a few hours a day. At first I felt very uncomfortable in the program which has multiple classes throughout the day. Most of the other participants were products of a troubled marriage andor spouses of alcoholics. However I soon realized that we were all suffering from the same symptoms no matter the cause. I learned to look honestly at my past and my family history to try and learn why I had prob- lems with depression and anxiety. Most who suffer from depression have a family history and boy did I have a family history depression alcoholism and anxiety problems on all sides. I no longer just ignored my symptoms. I had tried anti-depressants in the past but only on and off. I got on Lexapro and have stayed on it to this day. Xanax helped me with my severe anxiety symptoms and allowed me to get some much-needed sleep. After four weeks I graduated from Psycamore and moved on to the Jackson Lawyers Group. This group meets twice a month and allows lawyers and others in the legal profession recov- ering from addiction or mental health issues to discuss their problems solutions and strategies for work and life. It was at this group that I met the current director of LJAP Chip Glaze who was a great inspiration to me personally and to stay involved in LJAP. It has now been nine years since my last episode of depression. I stay on my medications and try and enjoy my life as much as possible. When late November rolls around I still feel some of the same old symptoms but now with the help of LJAP I have the tools to deal with any recurring bouts of anxiety and depression. Do not be afraid to seek help. Do not be afraid to talk to your family. Do not be afraid to talk to your friends. Do not be afraid to talk to your employer. Do not be afraid to seek professional help. Above all do not be afraid to seek the help of LJAP. They have seen and heard it all and they can help you too. Do not be afraid. Life is too precious for fear. Everybody Needs Somebody I could not consciously acknowledge this until I had been going to my Lawyers In Recovery Meeting for a bit. See I had been living as a sheep in wolfs clothing for so long -- alone wandering fearful -- and I knew if I started crying andor letting go I could never stop and my life would be over. Well I was wrong. I came into my first meeting angry the angriest woman in American angry and convinced nothing would work and no one could help me. Why Because not one person on earth knew I was so broken financially mentally spiritually Perspectives from MS Lawyers LACOSTE ARCHITECT JAY LACOSTE CONSTRUCTION PREMISES LIABILITY 2349 TWIN LAKES CIRCLE 601 981-2853 JACKSON MS 39211 VIVIZODAOL.COM Continued on next page