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26 Winter 2016 The Mississippi Lawyer and deathly afraid of being found out but I was willing to try anything to stop the fear and pain. Everyone in that first meeting and since signed confidential- ity agreements after all we were lawyers and needed to ensure ourselves that this contract would help keep our stuff from getting out into the community. What I found that first day was enough of a glimmer of hope to return to see what might happen. I discovered I was not the only lawyer broken and fearful and hurt- ing. I left still not fully trusting either the people or the method if indeed there was one. I refused to commit to return the next week for another meeting commitment is something to run from. But I showed up. Week after week I proclaimed I would not commit and still I showed up. When a counselor was suggested I went. When other suggestions were gently made I jumped on them. One day when least expected I found myself participating in the meeting to help others in the room just as they helped me. We laughed and cried and laughed again...and cried again. Honesty was the name of the game honestly shar- ing life experiences the awful the good the really really embarrassing and the bad and feeling the love and acceptance and assistance from all in that room and certain that nothing said in the room got into the community. So I keep coming back to the well- spring of hope the Lawyers In Recovery meetings to my family of choice with whom I do not have to hide who I really am. I am no longer angry my mental physical and spiritual health have vastly improved. The recovery road requires regular maintenance and for me that means my weekly Lawyers In Recovery meeting. In the eight 8 years I have been attending I have seen the positive changes take place. I am passionate about helping all lawyers who suffer. I know I need somebody and I need my meeting. I have committed. The Cart Before the Horse I honestly believed that if I could just get rid of the chronic insomnia the stress anxiety and sense of hopelessness then the feeling of impending doom would lift and I wouldnt need to drink. I didnt real- ize I had the cart before the horse. After all I had faced challenges before and it always seemed that intellect backed by willpower would carry the day. From an early age it had been drilled in to me that I can do anything I set my mind to if I just try hard enough. In law school a speaker from the Lawyers and Judges Assistance Program came to one of my classes and talked about how she used to drink beer and smoke pot. I thought to myself This lady is crazy. What is this some kind of a trap Who would admit to that sort of stuff in a professional setting I decided then and there that LJAP was minefield to be avoided at all costs. Around 14 years later after spending a sleepless night in jail and charged with a felony DUI a couple of colleagues made a call to Chip Glaze before helping to arrange an attorney and a bondsman. Two days later Chip came down from Jackson and met me where I was which was in full damage-control mode. I was will- ing to do whatever he wanted me to do in order to stay out of prison and maybe even keep my license to practice. My attitude of was one of You got me. Give me a contract and Ill sign it. Knowing what I now know Ill never drink and drive again. I was surprised when Chip told me that he didnt even bring a contract with him to the meeting. I asked what I should do and he told me to undergo an evaluation for chemical substance dependency and follow their recommendations. I responded that my real problems where insomnia and anxi- ety maybe even a little depression. He recommended a place that could perform a comprehensive evaluation for all of those issues. Chip could see what I couldnt. I didnt drink because of my circumstanc- es. I drank because I was and am an alcoholic. To Chips surprise and mine I actually followed through with his pro- posals. After some drama and in fits and starts I checked into a 12 Step-based inpatient treatment center. Shortly after my arrival I made sure that everyone knew that I was calling the shots. I was only there for 30 days so they had better get to work. Somewhere along the way I quit telling the treatment staff what they needed to do for me and I started doing what they told me to do for myself. I put both feet in a 12 Step program of recovery and I started to experience the blessings of recovery that the program promises. I took the treatment staffs recommen- dations seriously as if my life depended on them because it did and followed through with both the inpatient and out- patient programs that they offered. When the treatment team determined that it was time for me to prepare for my discharge as a patient my counselor and I reached out to Chip again. I needed a written Continuing Care Plan as part of my dis- charge paperwork and the LJAP contract fit the bill very well. I had learned that professionals who complete monitoring contracts after treatment have very high success rates after five years and I want- Perspectives from MS Lawyers An attorney for forty years. Former Navy JAG J.D. With Distinction top 10 of class law review published. Ready to fill all your mediation arbitration and hearing officer needs. No charge for travel time. Weekend dates available. See httpwww.peacemakerLLC.com Preston Bo Rideout